Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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