Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
