Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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