he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
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