I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
