She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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