You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
