My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
