why do cheetos always look like penises
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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