the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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