I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Randomize
