Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You're a waste of cheezeits
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize