I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
