Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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