WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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