Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
FUCK WHALES
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