i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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