The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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