the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
