Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
you guys were way drunker than both of me
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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