I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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