Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
