His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
