I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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