Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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