Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize