before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
