so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
