Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
