Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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