I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
