I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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