I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
