i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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