five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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