I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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