I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
