what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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