Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
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