You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
