You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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