to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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