I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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