I look better un-naked...
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
