i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize