are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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