dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
