this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
