Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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