btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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