the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Randomize
