you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize