Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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