Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
