I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
where am i from again
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
