Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
