You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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