Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
