I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
what day is it and did you see me today?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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