This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
