You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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