I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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