I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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