we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Is Oprah even human
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
