On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
barbara walters just said penis...
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
The struggles of a small town man whore
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
