Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
