Porn is love you can see.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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