I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
